At the Gym
For my birthday this year, my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great
shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school,
I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and
made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
started.
Day #1
They suggested I keep this 'exercise diary' to chart my
progress this week.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth
it because when I arrived at the health club Tanya was waiting for me.
She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling
white smile.
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. She did seem alarmed that it was so high,
but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers
probably added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics
class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my
gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time
I was talking to her. This is going to be great.
Day #2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I
made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar
up into the air. Then she put weights on it, and, for heaven's
sake!! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
it the full mile. Her smile made it woth it. Muscles feel great.
Day #3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer.
I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient
with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members.
The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why
would anybody invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
useless by the invention of elevators and esculators? Tanya told
me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine
anything worse.
Day #4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full
snarl. I can't help it if I was a half hour late, it took me that
long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbells. Not a
chance, Tanya. The word 'dumb' must be in there for a reason. I
hid in the mens room until she sent someone after me. As punishment,
she made me use the rowimg machine. It sunk.
Day #5
I hate Tanya more than any human being ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there were any part of
my body that was not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She
thought it would be a good idea for me to work on my triceps. Well
I have news for you, Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't
want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to
accept responsibility for the damage. You went to sadist school.
You are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a phys ed teacher,
which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music or social studies teacher?
Day #6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where
I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Day #7
Well, that's the week. Thank god it's over. Maybe next time
my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth
drilling at the dentist.
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